The ATC Report

"In Control" Vol. XV, No. 2

Well, we're two episodes into the new season and we've finally started figuring out which teams are which, as well as who we like and who we're not so fond of. Now normally we would have done this before the race started, but we're basically lazy and that would have meant writing another column. By doing it this way, we get to fill a column for an actual leg with filler that we could have written anytime.

Right off the bat, we need to admit that we really have no strong feelings one way or the other about most of the teams. You say there are two gay guys? Gee, where have we seen THAT before? (Fine, they are brothers. The two in our season were married. Oswald and Danny were flamboyant. None of them will ever top the Guidos.) You tell us there is a team of dating Christians? We raced against dating Christian virgins. You mention an older couple that is dating? We've seen older couples before (and in Vietnam, even) - only they were married.

You see, the vast majority of these teams haven't stood out in any way for us. That's not to say we dislike them, we just don't have any opinion of them yet. (We do admit that we kind of liked Marcy and Ron, but we knew that they wouldn't do too well. We've always been somewhat partial to the older teams.) Perhaps one of these teams will do something later in the race to spark a strong emotion, but for now they all seem rather ‘vanilla'.

There are a couple of teams that we DO have strong feelings about, though. Right off the bat we can tell you that we're not too fond of half of the Lance and Keri duo.

Lance and Keri

Good taste prevents us from mentioning which half of the team we don't much care for, and we cannot be coerced into revealing that information. Suffice it to say that most astute race fans should be able to figure it out. We can already hear you talking about editing. While we have no doubt that editing can make us like (or dislike) whomever the editors decide, always remember that there has to be something there for the editors to show. If you're naturally a jerk, the editors don't have to do too much to show it.

On the other hand, we do rather like Zev and Justin. One of the two of them has Asperger's Syndrome, and the other works for National Lampoon.

Zev and Justin

When it comes right down to it, does it really make any difference which is which? Isn't Asperger's Syndrome really just a fancy way of saying, "works for National Lampoon"?

We also like the two Harlem Globetrotters who are in the race, Easy Flight and Big Time.

Easy Flight and Big Time

[Editor's note: I think Steve & Dave got the names wrong. -Ed.]

Errrr...right. As we were saying, we're fans of the two Harlem Globetrotters in this race, Fat Man and Little Boy.

Easy Flight and Big Time
Fat Man and Little Boy

[Editor's note again: Nope, that's still not it. -Ed.]

FINE. Yada, yada, yada, Short Biggie and Big Shorty.

Easy Flight and Big Time
Fat Man and Little Boy
Short Biggie and Big Shorty

[Completely different editor (not in any way related to the first editor) Editor's note: Nope! You're 0 for 3! Hey, this is fun! -Completely different ed.]

[Editor who was originally editing this column Editor's note: I know, and they can't do a THING about it, since their columns have to go through us! -Original ed.]

Hey! We're writing over here! A little quiet, if you don't mind?

[Editors' note: Sorry. -Eds.]

So anyhow, where were we? Oh yes. Blah, blah, of the two Harlem Globetrotters on this race, Meadowlark and Curly.

Easy Flight and Big Time
Fat Man and Little Boy
Short Biggie and Big Shorty
Meadowlark and Curly

[Completely different editor (again) editor's note: I'm starting to wonder if they even really watched the show! -Completely different ed.]

[Yet another editor who just walked in after getting a cup of coffee editor's note: Hi guys! What's going on? -Cup of coffee ed.]

You know, this would probably be much easier if you would just TELL us what their names are!!

[Completely different editor editor's note: Like THAT'S gong to happen! -Completely different ed.]

[Cup of coffee editor editor's note: You mean they don't know Flight Time and Big Easy's names? Ha! -Cup of coffee ed.]

[Original editor editor's note: Sssh! You almost gave it away! -Ed.]

[Cup of coffee editor editor's note: Sorry! I don't think they noticed though. -Cup of coffee ed.]

You know, come to think of it, maybe we aren't that fond of the two Globetrotters after all. Unless they want to give us free tickets to their game the next time they're in town. Then we would have nothing but high praise for them. Whatever their names are.

Flight Time and Big Easy, who we really do like...

[Original editor's note: See? They're done now. I told you you ruined it. -Ed.]

[Cup of coffee editor's note: No! I didn't ruin it. They were almost done anyhow. You don't think I ruined it, do you? -Cup of coffee ed.]

[Fourth editor, who had remained strangely silent until now editor's note: I think you did. -4th ed.]

[Cup of coffee editor's note: No, they were almost done anyhow! It wasn't me! -Cup of coffee ed.]

[Completely different editor's note: You know, they did seem to be almost done. Perhaps coffee really wasn't at fault. -Completely different ed.]

[Janitor, who occasionally gets pressed into duty as an editor's note: No, they obviously were going to say more until you gave away the names. -Janitor ed.]

[Original editor's note: Let's take a vote. All of you who think that coffee ruined the fun, raise your right hands...]