The ATC Report

In Control – Vol. XV, No. 1

CBS is a big filthy liar. There, we've said it. For a month, we've been teased with promises of a ‘SPECIAL TWO-HOUR PREMIERE'! When the show finally hits the airwaves, what did we actually get? A 50-foot long premiere, which lasted all of 15 minutes. Let's put this into perspective, shall we?

On our season, we traveled further to get to our backpacks than this lot did for the whole show! Our first leg lasted almost three days from Phil saying ‘go' until he told Steve and Debra they were eliminated. This first leg was so short that even the amazing editors couldn't stretch it into a normal 1-hour show, let alone the advertised two hours. What a disappointment.

We shut our sets off after Eric and Lisa were ousted, as we're sure most true fans of the show did. We can only assume that CBS filled the remainder of the time slot with slow motion or multi-angle replays. Perhaps our loyal reader watched and can tell us how many times they had to endure watching the leg repeated.

The really sad part of the show was the fact that it just wasn't enough TAR after the lengthy layoff we've endured since the end of last season. Not only that, but it gave us very little material to write about. Not to fear! We've got just the thing to fill the remainder of this column.

Here is our list of "Top 10 OTHER things that are/were over before they started":

10) William Henry Harrison's Presidency. Mr. Harrison caught pneumonia delivering his inaugural address, and died from it. We hear that the speech took more time to deliver than the remainder of his life.

One month in office, and THAT makes him a President?

9) The US invasion of Grenada. Most people still can't find this island on a map. That's because most people still think that Grenada is a summer camp.

8) Any Chicago Cubs' World Series appearance in the last century. That's right, it's 101 years and counting. What do the Yankees and the Cubs have in common? Neither team has won a World Series in their new ballpark.

Hey, any team can have a bad century, right?

7) The Anglo-Zanzibar war of August 27, 1896. Depending on which source you believe, this war lasted anywhere from 38 to 45 minutes. Regardless of whom you believe, shouldn't this really be called a skirmish, and not a war?

6) The Al Catoure/Ralph Walton boxing match of September 24, 1946. The entire fight lasted 10.5 seconds, and that includes the 10 seconds it took to count Walton out.

5) Usain Bolt's 100-meter dash earlier this year in Berlin. It took Mr. Bolt a mere 9.58 seconds to cover that distance. There is filmed evidence of Steve and Dave covering half that distance in twice that time, and we were hurrying.

Usain Bolt. We think he's the guy in green and yellow, but he could already actually be out of frame to the left...

4) The screwy ‘Wasabi Bomb' eating contest that took place on the Japanese game show that CBS aired later last night (instead of the second hour of the promised two-hour premiere).

[Steve and Dave apologize. That last entry wasn't supposed to be in this list. It was actually supposed to be in the "Top 10 things that were so boring we WISHED they had been over before they started" list.]

3) The amount of time it would take to drive across the smallest country in the world. The Vatican City is considered to be the smallest country in the world, and has an area of 0.2 square miles. It's completely surrounded by the city of Rome. You do the math.

2) The fastest officially verified time to solve a Rubik's cube. At a mere 7.08 seconds, Erik Akkersdijk of the Netherlands is the record holder. And you were happy when you figured out how to pull the thing apart and reassemble it correctly.

And coming in at number one on the list of "Top 10 things that are/were over before they started"...

1) Sex with Steve and/or Dave. This one really needs no elaboration, so we won't.

Join us next week when the teams leave the storm drains of Los Angeles and make it all the way onto a bridge that goes across the storm drain they were just in before Phil eliminates another team.