The ATC Report

“In Control” – Vol. XIII, No. 10

So the lost passports and money did have an effect on the Race. Toni & Dallas are no more, and the remaining three teams include Dan & Andrew. Sometimes there is no justice. Well, here are our picks for the winner of TAR13:

Dave: They've led almost every leg. They are extremely annoying to me. They are going to win anyhow. In a no-brainer, I'll pick Mark & Bill to win the whole thing.

What? They got eliminated when? Oh, in that case I guess I'll pick Terence & Sarah. Really? Yes, I have been watching the show. Fine, I'll go with Nick & Starr. Crud, you mean they are still in it?

Then a special section of the program I like to call “Mr. Happy” weights each of the preceding factors and determines the likeliest place for each team to finish. Pretty slick, huh?

Steve: Unlike my obviously uninformed partner, I will make a pick that makes sense from the word "go." I've even created a computer program that analyzes all the remaining teams' strengths, weaknesses, and racing form to date. It then runs each team through a probability generator to determine the likelihood that the team will suffer some sort of major mishap or meltdown on the leg. Then a special section of the program I like to call "Mr. Happy" weights each of the preceding factors and determines the likeliest place for each team to finish. Pretty slick, huh?

I have run all the numbers, and the computer says that the winners will be...Charla & Mirna. Wait! What??!!! (Sounds of Steve banging his computer with a hammer.) Listen, until I can get this thing fixed, I'll go with Nick & Starr as well.

Dave: (from distance) I'll be right there! (Sounds of running...well, fast walking) OK, for second place I'm gonna, I wasn't on the internet. Fine-I was, but just a little. No, I wasn't on the CBS website. If I'd been on the CBS website, would I be picking...uhhh...Ken & Tina to finish in second? I would? Really, they weren't eliminated early on? No kidding.

Steve: All right. I'm pretty certain that I've worked the bugs out now. I suspect that there might have been a circuit overload in the fleem generator, or possibly a static burst in the hyperspatial dimensionator. But, whatever, neither of those components is really necessary to the actual determining of the order of finish. They just add borders and curlicues to the printout.

So now that the TARITRON 9000 is working properly again, I can say without fear of contradiction that the second-place team will be Oscar & Mayer. Sorry! That's my bologna's first and last name. Now I think I remember where I left that sandwich. Damn. I'm going to have to open this computer back up...put down Ken & Tina for the time being. I'll get this thing working right yet.

Dan & Andrew to finish third. No, I’m not making that up—they are still alive. I checked.

Dave: Yea, I'm ready. Dan & Andrew to finish third. No, I'm not making that up-they are still alive. I checked.

Steve: No, no, no, no, NO! You stupid computer! The pod bay door is NOT open. I don't even HAVE a pod bay door. Huh? (Sound of pants zipping up.) Perhaps the pod bay doors were open.

Yea, I agree. Dan & Andrew will finish third. Only because it's now impossible for them to finish lower than third.

So, there you have it. For those of you who are having problems figuring it out in narrative form, here are our picks in chart form:

Dave Steve Consensus
1st Nick & Starr Nick & Starr Nick & Starr
2nd Ken & Tina Ken & Tina Ken & Tina
3rd Dan & Andrew Dan & Andrew Dan & Andrew