This week “The Amazing Race: Are We Done Yet?” edition visits the most strange and foreign land yet: a country so remote, so distant, that most Americans can’t even find it on the map (no it’s not the USA, silly). That country is Canada. Even though we Canadians are your neighbours (translation: neighbors) to the North, few Americans actually bother to visit. “Why should we go there,” the American will say “it’s just like the U.S. but colder. I hear they all live in igloos, have same-sex marriages, are liked by other countries, and smoke pot.” Some of these things are true I guess, and we are just like you…but, you know, polite.

But we aren’t exactly America Lite, so if ever you do decide to visit the Great White North (Take off, eh!), here is a little survival guide for making it through your trip without letting on you’re American. (Because if there is one thing Canadians like more than hockey and beer, it’s the smug self-satisfaction that we aren’t America. It’s the only thing that keeps us going sometimes, since we’re all fully aware that you could annex the hell out of us in about 15 minutes, if you really wanted to.)

So You Want To Be A Canadian! (Good Choice)

The morning in Canada begins and ends at Tim Hortons. It is the place to go for coffee and a doughnut. Sure, we have Starbucks and Krispy Kreme, but Canadians refuse to eat at a doughnut shop with such atrocious spelling errors. Tim’s (or the Hortons), is a Canadian institution, and you’ll find them scattered all over the country. It was started by a hockey player, so you know it has to be good. But, if you think it’s just as easy as walking up and ordering a coffee and a TimBit, you are mistaken. If you want to order like a true Canadian, you need to order a “Double-Double” which is a coffee with double cream and double sugar. That’s not how you like it? Tough, no one orders a single-single, that just sounds stupid. If you really want, I guess you could order it black or ask for a “triple-triple”, but that’s just gross. While there, you can also get some bagels, which leads us to our first Canada vs. USA food challenge.

Montreal Vs. New York City I: The Bagel

"'Do you want a cinnamon-raisin bagel?' That's not a bagel, that's a doughnut made of bread!" - Lea DeLaria

New York is a great city. It has great theatre(translation: theater), great music, great food, and has at least 99% less French people than Montreal. New York City, however, knows bupkis about bagels. While New York bagels are basically circular bread, Montreal bagels are ethereal rounds of sweet and chewy dough. Montreal bagels contain no salt and are boiled, prior to baking, in honey-sweetened water. Most New York style bagels contain salt, are boiled in plain water, and some can’t even claim that. If you’ve never had a Montreal style bagel, then you’ve never eaten a bagel. If you’re dying to try a real Montreal bagel, then you really need to board a plane and get your butt to Montreal, since there is nothing that compares to getting them right as they come out of the oven, still so warm that they have to be put in paper bags, since plastic bags would melt. Remember to buy a few extra for the car ride home. If that really isn’t an option, you can order them online from the best bagel place in all the land, St. Viateur.

Montreal Vs New York City Ii: Deli Boogaloo

New York City is famous for its deli. Everyone has seen pictures of those huge sandwiches from Katz’s or the Carnegie Deli, piled high with corned beef or pastrami, and yeah they are good. In Canada, however, we do things a bit different. We once again sit back quietly, letting the New Yorkers get all the attention while we lunch happily on a thing we like to call Smoked Meat. Smoked Meat is basically brisket that that has been cured, spiced and smoked….and savored. Smoked meat is available all over Canada, but to truly appreciate it one needs to go to Schwartz’s, also known as Charcuterie Hebraique de Montréal. Schwartz’s is as old-school Jewish deli as it gets, and has been serving Smoked meat since 1927, which makes it the oldest deli in Canada. Plus, dining at Schwartz’s is a great way to experience some local colour(translation: color). You can order it either very lean or, if you want to die young, with lots of fat. You also have to order the fries, pickles and cole slaw. The quickest way to be outed as a tourist is to ask to see the menu. If you do the wait staff will just bark, as they did to a friend who made this tragic mistake, “Did you come here to read or did you come here to eat?” And then everyone will laugh at you….and, really, you kind of deserved it.

So now that your belly is full, why not head on down to the pub and have some fine Canadian beer. Canada is famous for its beer, America is famous for its beer commercials. There’s an old joke that states “American beer is like making love in a canoe, it’s fucking close to water”. Every Canadian knows this joke…. it’s on our currency. E Pluribus Unum can bite my shiny metal ass. Just don’t make the error of ordering a Molson Canadian, or a Labbatt Blue, and for god sakes don’t let anyone talk you into ordering a Labatt 50. Canada abounds with micro breweries that are producing some world class beer. Try something instead from Creemore, or Wellington Brewery, and if you see anything by Big Rock drink that baby down, especially if it's their Traditional Ale (to order, just ask for a pint of Trad). If you’re daring, you can try some beers by Unibroue, such as the 9% La Fin de Monde (End of the World), and the 8% Maudite (The Damned) which is named after a story about Quebec fur traders who sold their soul to the devil to make it to a party by way of a flying canoe. By the way, if you go to The Beer Store, and want to order a case, make sure you call it a two-four…otherwise you’ll just look dumb. While you’re at the bar though, why not chase that beer down with some Canadian Rye Whisky, it’s like Jack Daniels, but you know…good. If you’re not up for alcoholic beverages than try visiting The Pop Shoppe, for some interesting Canadian pop (translation: soda).

 

So now that you’re properly liquored up, it is time to head back to the streets for some late night grub. If you’re in Toronto, go to any street corner and get yourself some ‘Street Meat’ (that would be a Hot Dog or Sausage). If you’re in Ottawa, then grab a Beaver Tail, which is fried dough sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon. You might know them as Elephant Ears, but that’s wrong. I remember getting into an argument with a vendor at the Indiana State Fair, about Beaver Tails, I insisted it was just another example of Americans usurping a Canadian standard, and making it worse. I mean, elephants aren’t even indigenous to America, so where the hell do they get off? Did I mention that I had been drinking a bit when this argument took place? Not one of my finer moments, but you just have to take a stand sometimes, you know?

Now the holy grail of late-night hangover preventions started in Quebec, and has migrated across this great land, and that substance is Poutine. Poutine is the food of the Gods (assuming those gods are drunk, and I think that’s a safe bet). It’s fries topped with cheese curds, covered in either gravy or poutine sauce. Sounds gross, eh? Just try it, but don’t attempt to eat it sober. Poutine can only be found in Canada, and you should never attempt to order it in the USA. My friends leaned this the hard way after a night of drinking in Memphis, on our way to New Orleans. Hung over at a truck stop, being good Canadian boys, they thought the only cure for their ills was poutine, so they tried to get some. They explained to the waitress that it was French fries, covered with cheese and gravy. The waitress looked at them like they were crazy, and asked them to repeat that. She came back a few minutes later and asked again, if that’s what they really wanted. “Yes, yes, it’s great! Trust us!” they moaned. Five minutes later, the cook walked out thinking that the waitress was fouling the order up. After a few reassurances, the cook went back in, and 10 minutes later, out the waitress walked with the poutine. It consisted of steak fries covered in processed American cheese (which isn’t legally cheese by the way), and chicken gravy. It sucked. Being the polite Canadians my friends were though, they ate the whole thing.

 

In the morning, if the poutine didn’t prevent a hangover, you can try having a Bloody Caeser, which is like a bloody Mary, but made with Clamato juice. It’s a staple of Canadian brunches, and Canadians have been know to pack a few cases of Clamato juice with them when they travel to the USA (I kid you not, my ex-girlfriends family would pack more Clamato juice than clothes when vacationing in Maine). If a greasy breakfast is your thing, then why not try some peameal bacon. That’s what you would call Canadian bacon, although I believe the US Congress might have changed the name to Victory Bacon since Canada wasn’t part of the coalition of the gullible. (By the way, if con is the opposite of pro, does that mean congress is the opposite of progress?)

So that’s a quick tour of some Canadian foods that you might encounter on your travels, but this was just the tip of the iceberg of Canadian cuisine. Each province (translation: states), has its own unique food, most of which, have weird names. These include Tortiere, which is a French-Canadian meat pie, Pets de Nonne(Nun’s Farts) from Quebec. Flipper Pie (yes it does contain seal flippers), and Vang (melted pork fat, eaten with cod) from Newfoundland. As well as Prairie Oysters, from well…the Prairies. Canada is a vast and diverse land, and if you want to know more about the differences between the USA and Canada, then go to this site on Canadianisms which has handy American translations for most of the entries. Eventually you’ll learn the difference between Smarties(yuck!), and Smarties (yum!), and ask yourself “Why didn’t we think of ketchup chips earlier? It just makes sense!” Hopefully you have all the information you need to enjoy your visit (or draft dodge) to Canada, just remember that Z is pronounced Zed here, like in Zed-ron (You just figured out how to pronounce Zron didn’t you?).